Stealthfest - excerpts from a film script #1
"Well, what killed him?" "It must of been the crack. I can absolutely 100% guarantee you it was the crack."
Right at the end of lockdown, I wrote an entire film script. The working title is “Stealthfest”, and it’s my stab at setting a Snatch style crime caper movie at a music festival.
Oh yeah, if anyone is wondering why Carol Dekker gets such a hard time in the first segment, there is a reason. If you want me to tell that story on here, leave a comment below. And don’t forget to subscribe!
SCENE - The four characters are walking through a busy camping field at a music festival, laden with tattered bags and camping equipment, looking a weary. Around them are a variety of tents and vans, as well as festival goers getting on with their festival. The sun is starting to set. The weather is indistinct.
DAVE - "Hold on a second, I can tell you a thing or two about Carol Dekker."
SAM -"Carol Dekker? You've never met her!"
KRISPY - "Is she related to Desmond Dekker?"
JOE - "Desmond Dekker was black, you twat!"
KRISPY -"I know, dickhead."
SAM - "It's alright saying things can only get better, you haven't just shagged Carol Dekker!"
*Krispy stops walking*
KRISPY - "Who the fuck is Carol Dekker anyway?"
*others also stop walking*
DAVE - "If you lot shut up I'll tell you. She was in that band from the eighties, T'Pau. They did that song which was a stupidly massive hit, what was it called again?"
JOE - "Dun nuuh, du nuu nuuh nuuh oh, china in your hand"
DAVE - "Yeah that was it, china in your hand"
*the four continue to walk whilst looking around for somewhere to camp*
KRISPY - "sounds horrible"
DAVE - "it was a power ballad, there was a lot of them about in the eighties"
SAM - "Sounds like a disempowering ballad if you ask me. a disembowelling ballad".
*sniggers*
DAVE - "Yeah man, for real. T'pau are T'palling, they're still around doing smaller festivals, getting the biggest paycheck and being moody as hell about it, demanding dressing rooms with specific temperatures and baskets of puppies and all sorts."
JOE - "I heard she's got a freakishly long tongue and when she thinks no one is looking she licks her own eyeballs."
SAM - "You lot ought to watch out talking like that, or Carol Dekker might be out to get ya!"
*all laugh and stop walking*
KRISPY - "Shall we camp here?"
DAVE - "Why the fuck not. I'm gonna put my tent here. Right, let's get this show on the road"
DEBZ AND DANNI FIND A BODY
SCENE - It is early evening and beginning to get dark. Debz and Danni are walking on the outer edges of what looks like a camping field, traces of the festival can be seen in the distance behind them. They look harrassed and slightly cold. Debz is wearing thigh length demin shorts, wellies, a purple hoodie and flowers in her hair. Danni is wearing black leggings, a zip up hoodie with the words "Stealth Fest" printed on it and a cheap black fedora. Debz is slightly older than Danni.
DEBZ - Right, let's get these bloody lights sorted, then I can get out of these stupid shorts and get warm, and then finally have a drink. I'm dying for a glass of rose.
DANNI - Do you think Colin will be alright with the kids?
DEBZ - Colin will have to be alright with the bloody kids. This is my weekend away, or it's supposed to be. If anything goes wrong he'll just have to swallow his pride and ring his mother. I dunno why I didn't just buy a ticket, I can't be arsed to work in the kids area, I'm tempted to just screw all this and go straight back to the tent and get pissed. Let the stupid kids play in the dark, I've got enough problems with my own children.
DANNI - Look, that's his caravan down there.
*Danni points to a small caravan under a tree in a dark corner of the field*
DEBZ - Great. And if he's not in, I'm gonna break the door down,
*the pair arrive at the caravan and Debz begins to knock*
DEBZ - Fred! Fred! Are you in there? It's Debz and Danni, we've come for the lights? Let us in you old bastard!
*no one answers*
DANNI - Try the door.
DEBZ - Shit on it.
*Debz tries the door. it's open and she steps inside*
DEBZ - It's bloody dark in here. Fred, are you in here? You're not going to jump out on me are you?
*Debz finds a light switch and uses it. Danni joins her in the caravan*
DEBZ - Shit Fred, are you alright?
*Fred is slumped with his head on the table, motionless*
DANNI - He doesn't look alright
*Debz steps closer to Fred*
DEBZ - Fred, are you still with us my love? Just having a little snooze are you? It's Debz and Danni, come for the lights. We just want to check you're ok.
*Debz lightly puts a hand on Fred's shoulder and recoils in horror*
DEBZ - Shit he's cold! This is not good Danni, This is not fucking good at all.
*Debz takes a deep breath, and grabs Fred by the shoulder. Fred's body rolls backwards to reveal he is definitely dead. Debz and Danni gasp, and then Debz puts 2 fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. She then turns to Danni*
DEBZ - Fuck Danni that is definitely a dead body, Fred is really really dead, like, do not resuscitate, do not pass go, do not collect 200 pounds, don't go making any fucking plans other than funeral ones cos this guy is completely dead right? Do you understand? Fred is dead, Danni!
DANNI - Ok.
*Danni thinks for a second*
DANNI - Well what the fuck killed him?
DEBZ - It must of been the crack. I can absolutely 100% guarantee you it was the crack.
* the pair look at the table and see a crack pipe, some crack, and other drugs paraphenalia*
DEBZ - Ohh you stupid bastard Fred, we always told you that stuff would kill you in the end! You most of known he smoked this stuff Danni, everyone round here knows. Even the police knew.
DANNI - Well I had heard rumours but I never had that much to do with him really.
DEBZ - Exactly! You heard rumours and you avoided him! Honestly, the amount of people over years that tried to get him off the stuff, but he was always insistent, he earned his own money and he could spend it in any way he pleased, and if that meant crack cocaine every night for over 30 years, then so be it!
DANNI - What? He had a crack habit? and he held down a job for over 30 years?
*Debz thinks for a sec*
DEBZ - Well I don't know about a job, but he had some money coming in from somewhere, he did do some kind of work. And the thirty years of crack is definitely true, maybe even longer. Alot of the old gits say they didn't think he was going to make it past 35,let alone 55. So, I guess, in a way, he did well.
*both stare at the body*
DANNI - Shouldn't we like, tell someone, or something?
DEBZ - yeah, you're right. Damn it, we'll have to give statements to the police and loads of nonsense like that. You had to go and ruin my weekend, didn't you Fred?
*both stare at the body again*
DEBZ - Normally I'd ring the hospital or something, but I think the best thing to do is ring Pete. He'll want to know before anyone else anyway. It's his land, his festival and it can be his bloody problem as far as I'm concerned. He'll know what to do to sort this out without it totally ruining the festival. They don't call him Stealthy Pete for nothing.
*Debz pulls her phone out of her pocket and dials a number*
DEBZ - It's ringing thank god.
DEBZ - *SPEAKING INTO THE PHONE* Hey Pete, it's Debz, you alright? Listen, we're at Freds caravan, we need you to come down here immediately, there's a situation developing here and we think it's best if you come down and deal with it directly cos it really isn't good.
*pause*
DEBZ - Yeah that's right, that's what happened.
*pause*
DEBZ - Only Danni. No one else. She's still with me now.
*pause*
DEBZ - Ok. I see.
*pause*
DEBZ - Ok, understood. We'lll do that Pete, no worries. See you in a bit my love.
*Debz puts down the phone and stares into space*
DANNI - Well? What did he say?
DEBZ - It was weird. He guessed what had happened straight away. There was always something odd about that man.
DEBZ - Anyway, he's coming down and he'll handle it. He wants us to wait outside the caravan and not let anyone in till he gets here, and don't say anything to anyone about what's happened to Fred. I doubt that'll be much problem cos no one goes down this bit of the field and he didn't have many friends anyway, poor sod. He says there's some posh whiskey we can drink in that cupboard behind you.
*Danni reaches into the cupboard and pulls out a bottle of single malt and a pair of whiskey glasses. She pours a generous measure for both of them and passes one to Debz*
DANNI - To Fred. May he rest in peace.
*they both drink after a moment of silence and Debz screws up her face*
DEBZ - That's disgusting! Why do people go on about this stuff like it's Gods personal piss when it tastes like a bloody bog? You got any of that cherryade left? Here, give it to me.
*Debz tops up her glass with cherryade and then drinks*
DEBZ - Ohh, that's better. Let's go and sit on those chairs outside. Finally, a chance to sit down!